A job I can love...
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Let Her Cry...one of my favorite bands...Hootie and the Blowfish...
Topic: work/employment
I have definitely found my calling...

Do you how much...after you've dealt with enough of the worst that the world has to offer...

How satisfying it is to work with children?...who...no matter what they're behavior...generally seem like such angels compared to their adult counterparts...

Do you realize how great it is to know that work you do, today...could help a kid create a future for themselves that they may never have imagined for themselves in quite the same way before you met them?...

To inspire kids to believe in themselves...and to help them and challenge them to take responsibility for themselves in ways that give them the skills to match that belief with a tangible reality?...

Do you realize just how satisfying it is to know that you are changing what can too often seem like a pretty fucked up world, much of the time...just by being a decent human being to some kid or some class of kids?...

Do you realize how much idealism pays...in all the ways that really count in the world?...

And how much all the smaller ways I've ever had in my life of looking at the world (of which there have been many) begin to look so foolish and shortsighted, in retrospect?...

I wish Brandi was able to share this with me...we both worked so hard to have this kind of impact on kids' and peoples' lives...I hope she's enjoying her fair share of this feeling in her own more private life, right now...she deserves to...her work was critical in shaping me and helping me to be able to see the world like I do, today, and to make this kind of impact that I see, each day, with these kids...and Greg, too...who also deserves this feeling...given how much he's supported Brandi and has his own convictions, in this regard...even as both of them have put up with my bullshit, in the meantime...

But...for right now...this is something I share with people I love...and with myself...and with whomever I might meet along the way...

There's a girl I'm interested in...I've never met her...I don't even know if she's available, actually...she just impressed me the first and last time I saw her...and I haven't had that feeling in quite some time, really...she's not a teacher...though I love the teachers I work with:)...I'm just not convinced that any of them could top Ms. Fisher...which is about the only way that I'm going to find real love, I'm pretty convinced at this point...

But this girl has a decent shot...she's an actress...and I imagine other things in her daily and professional life...and she's pretty impressive, really...she'll probably turn out to be married:)...the good ones are always snapped up:):)...but it's worth a shot:):)...

And she's seems ambitious...as well as like a really decent human being:)...which is important to me:):)...because I need someone who will challenge me to grow and be a better person and to be better than I imagine for myself, even now...

It's been a long time since I've felt that feeling with a woman...in that way that you know that you're destined to be with one another...even if it's just for the short time that she believes that...

I haven't felt the idealism I feel right now since I was in school, myself...I've missed it something terrible...and I am pleased as punch to get it back, again...

I will spend the rest of my life...with every breath I breathe...with every ounce of energy I have to offer...to do good by this world...to make it a better place to live...whether people understand what or how I do what I do or not...

While I promise with as much honest sincerity that I have to offer that I will be engaging in falsifiability tests of my ideas as rigorously and as aggressively as possible (since, if I'm wrong, more aggression and not less is needed in life:):)...

While I am totally genuine in my desire to make the strongest case against my ideas that I can muster...which is an on-going project...that I am working on with free time I'm able to piece together...

While I promise to do this...

I have to say...that...at least in my daily life...

I'm pretty convinced that I'm onto something really big, right now...it just feels right...intuitively...and falls together, right...intellectually...

In two days...I've just got this inkling...that I'm going to realize this dream...this sometimes seeming impossible dream...to contribute understandings and efforts to the world that could very well significantly improve the way the world relates and treats one another and deals with its most terrible problems and tragedies...at least in the social and political and psychological and economic and educational and criminological and diplomatic and military worlds...I think these ideas are that far-reaching (though notice I've done nothing for cancer or AIDS or to build the longer lasting light-bulb in my lifetime...Captain Miller would be so disappointed:):)...

And I'm so proud I could cry:):)LOL:):)...

I wish so badly I could find another young, mature idealist to share this all with...but I've got to find someone who can top Ms. Fisher...and I just can't find her, yet...

She's out there, somewhere...I know it...it's just finding her...

But...in the meantime...I know that I am satisfied with knowing that I am making a pretty impressive start, I think, as a young teacher...

And I have a lifetime of this to look forward to:):):)...

Have a great weekend, everyone:):)...it may get cold and snowy:):)...dress warm:):)...

Love,
Ben

First day of school:):)...
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: They Might Be Giants...Alphabet Lost and Found...
Topic: work/employment
Amazing day:):)...a great faculty:):)...amazingly well-behaved kids:):)...what a far better job these teachers do with these kids than teachers did in my day:):)...as incredible a job as my teachers did:):)...

I can see...my day is coming...kids from this generation are going to kick my lilly white ass:):):)...great kids:):)...

Can I say that I am a remarkably kick-ass teacher, though?:):):)...I still have so much to learn:):)...and so much that I'm learning from these teachers, in particular:):):)...

But I am a teaching motherfucker, is what I am:):):)...I did excellent, today:):):)...and I think that my colleagues recognized that:):)...

I'll write more about it, later:):)...

But...for now:):)...I've got to sleep:):)...so I can wake up at 5:30 to make the commute:):)...

I hope everyone gets to work somewhere as supportive and productive and purposeful and inspired as my job at Eisenhower Middle School:):):)...

And if not...go find that job...noone should spend their days doing anything less than something they love with all their heart:):):)...

You know what the best thing is about this kind of job...about this job...for me?...

That I think I'm finally finding myself able to...genuinely...despite so many disappointments in this regard that I can hardly count them...to make some peace...and...down the line...make some final peace, I hope...with the fact...

That we are all just human beings...with limitations...

And that...not matter how hard we try...though we can get better...

That is all that any of us...no matter what struggles or hardship that we might go through...and no matter what the shares of responsibility on this...

That is all that any of us can be...

And as heartbreaking as that can often be...given how shitty we treat each other, sometimes...

That this is the only fate that we have...no matter how hard we try...no matter how much or how little responsibility that any of us take...though its so much clearer to me, now, that some of us take far, far more responsibility than others:):):)...

That this is the end of the road, in this respect...

And that the only way forward for humanity...is the more we recognize and accept this...sincerely...and commit ourselves to our own learning and growth, accepting those limitations...

And that...paradoxically...the more we accept those limitations...the more we learn and grow:):):)...as individuals:):):)...and as a human family:):):)...

And a heartfelt thank you to every teacher, coach, parent, family member, friend, lover, and otherwise decent person in my life who has ever practiced or even tried to practice that kind of acceptance of my own limitations and humanity in my own lifetime:):):)...I love you all...and I really appreciate your patience and love and wisdom and compassion and appreciation for me and my efforts and limitations:):):)...

Have a great week, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Tomorrow...I teach:):)...
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Superman Song...Crash Test Dummies...My Life...written and narrated by Bill Clinton...
Topic: work/employment
KCK (Kansas City Kansas) called today:):)...I talked with Eisenhower principal, Dr. Freda Ogburn, today:):)...

I work tomorrow morning:):)...

They have a substitute teacher in there, right now...and I'll learn about what the kids are doing and what her schedule is, right now, until I learn the ropes of the kids' situations, right now:):)...then I'll plan lessons for the Monday after Thanksgiving:):)...and I'll be off:):)...

I'm excited, mostly:):)...I think I want to show the kids Hoop Dreams...just to get a discussion going about dreams and what these kids' dreams are for themselves...

I want them to think about this special ed classroom as a stepping stone toward achieving whatever dreams their hearts desire...and my job being to help them get there...in part, through strengthening their academic skills...but also, in part, by thinking about what they might want to do with their lives...generally, of course...they are in middle school, after all:):)...

And that movie is a great realistic picture of two teens working to achieve their particular dreams -- playing professional basketball -- while dealing with a whole host of realities of the inner city that my kids likely have some experience with or at least know about, generally...and about the relationship between school and those dreams:):)...with a realistic picture of the important role that school plays in even a dream like playing professional basketball:):)...

It's a pretty decent sized pay increase...so I can get my school loans and other debts in order...which has been a major league pain in my ass for the last three years...which I've only had the vaguest hope of getting resolved since I've always made only barely enough money to pay rent and utilities and basic expenses...and certainly no serious luxuries (I haven't led a spartan lifestyle...but I have, generally, only had enough for basic needs)...which is a serious relief to me...I am the guy who voluntarily paid tax on scholarships in school that most people wiggled their way out of in college, I am so committed to paying my fair share...so it's been really awful, I have to tell you, to be treated like I'm in bad faith at every turn that I have not had enough money for debts or bills or necessary expenses...it's the worst part of poverty, really...the callousness of others...far worse than the lack of money, itself...

And now I have a light at the end of that tunnel...finally...after three years of this...

Though there are too many advantages of leaving school and going this route for me to really count...the biggest one being a much better appreciation of how much more decent school folks are than other folks...and what great places they are to work, generally, with all their hassles...

And a far greater sense of perspective on what hassles and problems and issues really should upset me...and which shouldn't...which is a pretty important quality for a special education teacher, in particular -- with all the issues...behaviorally, especially...that we have to deal with -- to have...

And a much better understanding of not only what poverty looks like from a kids' perspective...which is hard enough...but what it looks like from an adults' perspective, as well...which is far tougher, I have to say...

Adults have more freedom to get themselves out of the mess than children, generally...which is helpful...but the experience, itself, was far more difficult as an adult, for me, than it was a kid...and a nice dispelling of the bullshit myth by those who rationalize the sorry state of wealth equity in the world between college poverty and more serious poverty from serious debts that one does not have money to repay...my father lived and has since thrived out of this kind of poverty...and now I know, first-hand, just how difficult it was for him all those years...

I swear to God that if I have one more coversation with someone who tries to pretend like its not a problem, I think I'm gonna be sick to my stomach...

Why we would all rationalize what callous sons-a-bitches we can be rather than face it, I will never know...but this is just one of many places where we need to do that...and where no law will replace or substitute for that very honest, difficult work for people to do...

But I have to say that I'm tougher for this whole experience, in the best ways...meaning...I'm much more sensitive to this situation, for people...I also have an expectation of no excuses for efforts to thrive financially...which much more realism for the process of doing that...in a far from ideal financial and economic system that often does the market such an incredible disservice that noone takes stock of or responsibility for, enough, to realize what unintended consequences our harsher financial policies have on the poor, middle class, and rich, as it inspires all kinds of backlash against the very market that offers the greatest hope for humanity to best support itself, economically...

To function best, our markets need more freedom, not less, to function better...but which gets less freedom the more people backlash against its problems and seek to regulate and tax and control it, too much...rather than support people to make better choices, including choosing to support greater equity within the market, rather than having minimal equity measures imposed on the market and the people who work in it...I have much more I can write about what a more ideal, free and equitable market might look like...voluntary support for equity measures, including better school funding and universal access to the best health care possible...and the development of a much more robust non-profit market as well as creating as much room as possible for a more robust for-profit market...but I'll give everyone a break from that, today:):)...

If you haven't read or listened to Bill Clinton's autobiography, My Life, by the way, I definitely recommend it:):)...Bill and I have plenty of disagreements...he is much more partisn than I am...he's a strong Democrat...I'm neither a Democrat nor a Republican...I admittedly, have spent most of my life in liberal activist and Democratic circles...but the events of the last four years have left me feeling alienated from most liberal and Democratic circles, not really recognizing the values that I believe in being embodied enough in either Democratic or Republican circles...while both parties having values and policy positions that I support...and policy positions that I oppose...

Bill supports gun control, and I don't...he supports, as far as I know, campaign finance regulations, while ignoring them, like most if not all party leaders in both parties, in his leadership capacity with the Democratic party...which I oppose, though supporting all and more of the same purposes supported by its backers...just with the recognition that existing campaign finance regulation has not resolved the fundamental issues around campaign finance issues that can only be resolved, I believe, through a authentic commitment to making ideas the most important element of democratic discussions and elections...and not money...

Bill recently voiced support -- within the last week or so, in a speech I heard him deliver on National Public Radio -- for the kind of government-imposed universal health insurance that his wife, Hillary, worked in behalf of, with advisor Ira Magaziner, when he was President...a move that I both understand...but a purpose which I very strongly believe would is better served by the voluntary efforts by the health care and insurance industries, today, rather than by what I believe would be a very serious mistake to circumvent or to discourage...

Bill also seems much less open to a discussion of all the implications of global warming than I am...though I think his efforts to constructively engage more collaborative efforts on environmental questions, with the help of his very able Interior Secretary, Bruce Babbitt, are some of the finest that the country has ever seen...

Having said all that...I think Bill Clinton was the finest American President of the twentieth century...and his biography is a fascinating look at this incredibly remarkable President and unique opportunity to get to understand a President with this kind of depth...I highly recommend it...

I've got to go...I've got to get a friend to class:)...

Talk with everyone later:):)...

Love,
Ben

I got the job:):):)...
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Going Upriver: The Long War of John Kerry...
Topic: work/employment
Tom Petz, the secondary personell director for Kansas City, Kansas schools wrote me this morning...I talked with him as soon as I got off work...and I go in this afternoon to fill out paperwork:):):)...

Very exciting:):):)...I finally get to do the thing I love doing more than anything else:):):)...teach:):):)...and working with kids:):)...

I was very impressed with both this principal and with the special education director for the district:):)...I've worked with enough principals and teachers, at this point, to know who's good and who's not, generally...and these are two very good teachers/administrators:):)...and it will be a great experience working with these kinds of folks...I've learned a lot being outside of schools, generally, and about working with people, specifically, for this time:):)...

But it's time for me to teach, again:):):)...

I've never felt so confident about my abilities to work with kids and students, at this point...I know more about people...about them and their abilities and interests...and, important to me...I know better when they're bullshitting me...and themselves...

And I am very much looking forward to teaching again...and working with top notch people...

By the way...it finally happened...

The Right Way in Iraq...John Edwards...

A politician finally apologized for rushing into war...

John still doesn't seem to have recognized the good that came from an invasion of Iraq...and this apology may be politically calculated...but it is nice, I have to say, to hear one person who voted to rush into this war without thoughtfully considering the best way to do so and persuading the American people and our international partners to do so on its merits, and not preying on their fears, to apologize for doing so...

As John writes...

"I was wrong.

Almost three years ago we went into Iraq to remove what we were told -- and what many of us believed and argued -- was a threat to America. But in fact we now know that Iraq did not have weapons of mass destruction when our forces invaded Iraq in 2003. The intelligence was deeply flawed and, in some cases, manipulated to fit a political agenda."

John and other Democrats have been much criticized for the sentiment in that last line...that the intelligence was manipulated to fit a political agenda...

But there is some truth to this...

Most of the international community knew that Saddam had biological weapons...he had used them on the Kurds following the first Persian Guld War...

What was unknown...and only suspected -- by many liberals and conservatives, Republicans and Democrats...Judith Miller and Bill Clinton being only two of them -- was whether Saddam had nuclear capabilities...

There was no evidence that I knew, at the time, that Saddam had nuclear capabilities...like many people, I would not have put it past Saddam, knowing his track record...but there was no evidence, that I knew of, to support that suspicion...

But John and Democrats are right that the President sounded the nuclear rallying cry with far more certainty than we actually had of that capability...

Which is why Joe Wilson's criticism of that claim -- a piece of which...whether Saddam was pursuing uranium yellow-cake in Niger...Wilson was sent to investigate -- is important...

Wilson was arguing that we had no evidence of Saddam having nuclear capability...and that the President exaggerated those claims despite his efforts to dispel the idea that we had evidence that Saddam was pursuing uranium usable for a nuclear weapon in Niger...

Wilson claims that Administration officials sought to distance themselves from his intelligence-gathering and to discredit his wife, Valerie Plame, by indicating that she, in her capacity as a CIA administrative official, sent him to Niger to investigate the claim...in naming Valerie, if they did so before the Vanity Fair cover piece or any other public airing of her name, which I'm unclear about, at this point, Lewis Libby, Karl Rove, and the numerous reporters -- Robert Novack, Judith Miller, Matthew Cooper, at least -- who named her publicly, blew her undercover status with the CIA...which caused a lot of damage to an undercover career built on making contacts based on that undercover status...

Libby and Rove claim that they did so to clarify the discussion...that Administration officials were not responsible for sending Wilson to Niger...

Wilson claims that it was an effort to discredit him...and to seek political revenge on his wife...

If Wilson is right...it is a much more serious situation...since it involved disrupting Valerie Plame's undercover career -- if other sources, like the Vanity Fair cover story on Plame, did not beat them to the punch -- and if it was political revenge...meaning it was done intentionally to torpedo Plame's career...it is a much more serious situation...

If Libby and Rove are right...as I give them the benefit of the doubt on, at this point...then this is a much more innocent situation, I think, of two officials giving up a CIA undercover officer's name as a part of an on-going debate about the war, without understanding the consequences of doing so...but in good faith...as a part of a larger discussion...

The perjury charge against Libby, to my mind, only sticks if it can be proved that Libby had intentionally acted in bad faith...which would have to be proven...and that he lied to cover his tracks...if Libby acted more innocently...and misremembered the trail along the way...then he's not guilty of anything, that we know of...and because of presumption of innocence...which I and everyone should take seriously in every case, frankly...then I give him much leeway on this...

But the original hub-bub in this case was whether the Administration exaggerated the nuclear threat that Saddam posed...I believe that they did...it is entirely possible that Saddam had nuclear capabilities that he and/or his minions were able to hide before anyone could investigate as freely as we can today...but that would have to be demonstrated to become evidence...and not just speculation exaggerated into evidence, which, I agree, it appears at this point that the Administration engaged in...

I do believe that the Administration believed that this kind of threat was posed...

But I think they believed that out of sloppy speculation...rather than out of a more serious, reasoned consideration of what evidence we had and what evidence we didn't have of those capabilities...

So John is right, on that point, I believe...even as I believe that the Administration worked in good faith...just with sloppy reasoning on the matter...

And I have to say that it is quite refreshing to hear at least one politician apologize for rushing to war in Iraq...when a more thoughtful, and openly debated and engaged discussion of all alternatives --including diplomacy...but not limited there...and a more engaged and thoughtful discussion of what alternatives to a U.S. led, far-too-unilateral war in Iraq might be available...including a multilateral war that included our European and democratic neighbors...democratic, less democratic and non democratic partners in the Middle East, including Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Kuwait, Jordan, Turkey, Iran (possibly...though there are serious reasons to consider what role Iran could play in such a coalition when they have/had been a serious adversary for the Iraq people for many years), and Israel (who contributed to the effort quietly and openly, but who was not included by the Administration as a coalition partner, for reasons I am unclear about, at this point)...and U.N. Security Council members like China and Russia...

And much more importantly to me...a war led by the Iraqi people, and Iraqi opposition parties and militias, and backed with overwhelming power by these other multilateral partners...

But none of that could be considered with the lack of open and constructive discussion and debate about how to handle Iraq and with the kind of rush to war that the Administration, in particular, was so insistent on...

Is it totally clear, at this point, why being thoughtful...and why facilitating a more thoughtful, open, and free discussion of whatever important decisions that have to be made...why that is so important, especially around matters as serious as war?...

Obviously, sometimes, we have to act before we think...and sometimes we must act before putting a more ideal amount of thought into a situation...and we obviously need to give people as much slack around this as possible...

While also expecting that they think...

The Administration believed and led others to believe that the situation in Iraq was life or death...it wasn't...and a lot of mistakes got made as a consequence...that cost a lot of lives and misery, unnecessarily...

They were in good faith, I believe...

Just not thoughtful enough...

And we are dealing with the consequences of that now...

Having said that...

Those decisions have been made...

And the decisions to make now...

Are how to improve the effort in Iraq...

Not how to run away...

Or how to play twenty-twenty hindsight...

But how to make the situation in Iraq better...

And to recognize all the good that has come and is coming from a free and more democratic Iraq...

John Edwards' apology is a welcome departure from the politics of blame and presure and hindsight and black-and-white outlooks on the situation in Iraq that dominates far too much of the discussion, right now...including John's editorial piece, here...

He, like many Democrats and liberals, still does not recognize all of the good that has come from this war...even as it has been engaged far from ideally...

But it would be nice to see a lot more politicians say they were sorry...or that they were wrong...or whatever public recognition they could make that they've figured out that this thing could have gone a lot better...had we taken time to think about how to engage it better...

To be fair to John and President Bush and the Administration and everyone who favored this war...

One of smartest international policy scholars in America...and perhaps in the world (though Joe does have too much of an America-focus, I believe, to make stronger claims in that latter category)...Joe Nye...the Dean of the JFK Harvard School of Government...favored this war, upfront, as well...as did former President Bill Clinton, who, with all of the policy disagreements that I have with Bill...which are many...I believe was the smartest and best President that this country has seen in its too brief history...

I did not...I was both concerned about the lack of engagement with the international policy community about the best ways to conduct this war...and with the lack of recognition, on the part of the Administration, of the very serious and good faith concerns that his critics had of the war...including and especially our European allies, whose lack of support should have been a serious check on Administration hubris...

And I was more pessimistic than seems warranted, now, with twenty-twenty hindsight, about whether the Iraqi people would support such an effort...which, to me, was the fundamental issue that needed to be different to prevent another Vietnam...Vietnam did not fail because the American people did not believe in it, fundamentally...fundamentally it failed because -- as irrational as it may seem to us -- the people of Vietnam did not favor it, seeing us as outsiders and imperialists, the French likes of which they had just expelled in earlier conflicts...and for whatever reasons...their Communist oppressors looked more appealing to them...

Certainly a foolish choice, I and most freedom-loving people would agree, I think...

But a choice for them to make, fundamentally, regardless...

And had Iraqis made a similar choice -- and it appears that some of them would have and would still today -- then this would have been a war very similar to Vietnam...

But it's not...largely because Iraqis are leading the effort to bring democracy to their country, at this point...as haphazardly as that process is occurring, right now...

But I do appreciate at least one American politician having enough courage to admit that the original decision to go to war was not as thought out as it should have been...

None of America's politicians are the brightest bulbs in the box...

Folks like Joe Nye and David Gergen and Paul Peterson and Catherine Minter Hoxby and Benjamin Barber and Robert Kagan and a whole host of America's smartest folks don't go into politics for all kinds of reasons, I imagine...but a pretty important one, in my books, is because the process is so goddamned irrational...the American people, like most citizens of the world, want the world...on demand...at no cost...and they don't want to take any responsibility for it...and they expect all kinds of perfection from people in politics, in the meantime, that just isn't possible, I don't think...

So, until Americans and others learn to engage the process with more decency and genuine responsibility and a constructive outlook and more thoughtfulness...and as and until smarter folks choose to be a part of the insane on-going soap-opera that is American politics...

These are the folks we got...

And it's refreshing to hear/read one them take responsibility for their leadership...rather than passing the blame like a bunch of schoolchildren...

Thank you, John...though if you're going to admit when you're wrong, John...the least you can do is take and give some credit for what's gone right in Iraq...

And here's to a generation of politicians that thinks and admits when they fuck up...and a generation of Americans who contributes to a democratic environment that makes that more possible...

Gotta go:):)...I've got a teaching job to go accept:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A great set of interviews...
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: When Love Comes to Town...Pride (in the name of love)...U2...Rattle and Hum...
Topic: work/employment
Had a great couple of interviews, today, with the director of special education with the Kansas City, Kansas school district and the principal of Eisenhower Middle School in Kansas City for a mild/moderate special education resource room position they've been trying to fill:):)...great folks:):)...great district:):)...challenging position:):)...I'm all psyched:):)...

It is so impressive and refreshing, I must say, to see seasoned teachers/administrators so idealistic and committed to their jobs:):):)...very exciting:):)...and a very good beginning to my work with the district:):)...it looks like if I get this job, they'd like me to stay awhile:):)...

It's really exciting, I must say...the idea of working in KCK:):)...I have a special place in my heart for KCK:):)...

Both because of my teaching practicum at BRIDGES elementary, there, during the summer of 2000...a school for students with really serious behavioral issues who have been removed from other alternative settings...

And because Brandi was about the most enthusiastic resident/worker/community member of Kansas City, Kansas of anyone I ever met in Kansas City...check that...she was THE most enthusiastic member of the Kansas City community I ever met:):)...she loves that community...with all its issues:):)...and I guess that love of KC just rubbed off on me:):)...

And I am psyched about the opportunity to teach, again:):)...if there's anything that doing useful but less purposeful work offers you...it is to really appreciate the purposeful work, even with all the hassles that some with it:):)...including the paperwork...which we spent quite a bit talking about, today:):)...

And it is exciting to be able to share some ideas that I've had some time to develop, now, with some folks who feel a genuine responsibility for dealing with the problems they are meant to address...student violence...poverty...holding all students to the highest academic standards...and supporting them to get there...and generally supporting and challenging young people in ways that support their maturity...and the learning and growing of their teachers and their communities, as well:):)...

Eisenhower is a public school of choice, interestingly enough...and about 100 students have chosen Eisenhower, this year, as a part of choice provisions of the No Child Left Behind Act...very exciting...and a very nice comment on how parents and students think about Eisenhower:):)...

The Lawrence Journal World had a cover article, yesterday, on the Kansas State Board resisting efforts to introduce vouchers and charter schools as a part of school reforms in Kansas...

And I'm thinking...

What are they so scared of?...

That the new schools will be better than current public schools?...

Seems like an opportunity to welcome rather than resist...

That public schools may have something to learn from other schools?...

Sounds like a good idea to me...

That students may leave situations they don't feel good about in public schools to leave for what they hope will be better situations in other schools?...

Isn't that what we want?...parents and students taking their education seriously enough to choose the best situations for their kids and themselves?...

Or maybe what people are afraid of is that people will make bad choices...

Which, of course, never happens in public schools:):):):):):)...

You know why I believe in school choice...amongst a million other reasons...

Because I really do believe in public schools...and the opportunities that they offer kids...that they either take advantage of or not...

And I'm not scared...I think public schools...and public school students will do great...and are up to the challenge...of learning lessons from other schools that have the independence and freedom to learn diverse lessons...about how to improve situations in schools and for individual students...

And because I want parents and students to not just take education seriously enough to make important choices around it...

I want them to have the freedom, and thus the responsibility, that comes with making those choices...

Frankly...I think you can a great education -- if you take advantage of it -- in the schools in your own neigborhood...

But when people don't take as much advantage of those schools...as many people don't...

I don't want them to have the excuse that they just couldn't get into their school of choice...

I want them to be able to get access to whatever resources will be helpful to them...

And then I want them to get about the business of getting a strong education...to make a difference in this world...and to be a powerful change agent within it...

And when they don't...

I want them to only have one person to be able to point fingers at, if they're going to point fingers...

Themselves...

And not artificial limitations that we might put on them...

And it bodes well for Eisenhower that so many kids choose them:):)...

Hopefully, it means that they're earning that support...

And that's what public schools need to get focussed on, right now...

Earning the support of students and parents...rather than defending their turf...which is the tactic of a gang member...not schools that are confident in their abilities because they deserve to be:):)...

And those are the kind of schools that we want for all kids:):)...

More on school choice, another time...there are far more good arguments for school choice than there are bad arguments against it...

I need to get to work, here:):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

Why my lawnmowing job is the best job I've had out of school:):)...
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: The Godfather...Marlon Brando...Al Pacino...et al...Amistad...Anthony Hopkins...Djimon Hounsou...et al...
Topic: work/employment
Things are going really well, at this point, at my job:):)...

I have an interview likely/hopefully this next week for a special education job in Kansas City, Kansas:):)...this job has given me much more opportunity to do all the extensive work that has been involved with applying for teaching jobs (transcripts, university holds, placement files, applications, two new certification tests, etc.), which has been really nice:):)...despite the lower pay and the unpredictability about whether I'll get enough hours to pay bills, etc...

But that's not the reason why my job is good:):)...

This is my best job...because of the people...and they way they relate:):)...

It's a very laid back environment...which makes us far more productive...far more work...and far less unproductive conflict...than in a place like Amarr...where pressure for productivity led to the totally counterproductive result of less productivity:):)...because it created all sorts of conflict...that just slowed everyone down:):):)...I talked about it while I was at Amarr...so I did my job...and they get to live with the consequences of their policy choices:):)...

This lawnmowing business is a much smaller business...it's a quarter of a million dollar business in assets invested, according to the big boss:):)...so it's nothing to sneeze at:):)...but it's nothing like a bigger corporation like Amarr:):)...

But it is definitely more power for the punch:):)...it's much more productive...much more friendly...much more flexible...and overall...even with the money issues for me, right now:):)...it is a much better place to work...

And the fundamental issue that makes it a nicer place to live...is that the guys are more decent and responsible...

The guys aren't perfect...noone is...

But the great thing is that I've heard the phrase, "I'm sorry" or its equivalent more at this job than I think I've ever heard at a job...it's very refreshing...

I've had at least twice when my bosses have treated me shitty...and then apologized for it...

And it is so refreshing to hear that from a boss...and not all the bullshit about how, "I have to be an asshole, because the world will fall apart if I learn to be a more decent human being":):):)...

And it means that we are all much more friends...and like each other...and work harder for one another...and with one another...

It's very much like my family's construction business back home:):):)...lots of family in this business, too:):)...and lots of family feeling even for folks who are not family, as in my family's business:):)...

The owner, John, is a really great guy:):)...he's not perfect:):)...noone is:):)...so it's almost redundant to say it:):):)...but he's a really great guy:):):)...he's definitely from a more conservative background than me, I think:):)...he hunts elk and bear and other exotic animals:):)...he loves country music:):)...though he was a big Motley Crue fan, back in the day:):)...he even has a Motley Crue tatoo:):):)...

John is what back home we'd call "good people":):)...he reminds me a lot of my uncles and my family back home:):)...his business helps him live so that he can raise a family and spend weekends hunting and camping and the stuff that he loves in life:):)...John works to live, as my Uncle Tom would say:):)...he does not live to work...

And it's a really great attitude towards life that I very much appreciate:):)...

And his crew is one of the most productive and decent that I've worked with of the many joe jobs that I've had out of school (including the group home work I did for people with disabilities)...

There are no urine analyses at this job...like there are at so many jobs...so there's not all the lying and the pretending around drug use that happens at every job I've had out of school...by most of the people I've worked with...John does not sanction drug use...people just focus their efforts doing good work...and not on the fruitless effort to make people not do drugs...which clearly does not work, if you have any familiarity with the drug culture, at all...

I am an exception...someone who does not use drugs...or even drink very much...and smoke almost not at all, any more...even though I work at a job where there are no real prohibitions against it and no effort to try to prevent it...

And I still, by far, prefer this kind of environment...where I choose to do drugs or not...not some fruitless effort to make me not do drugs which could not ever work...no matter how much people might want to make me or anyone...

And I am far more loyal to a boss like John...than I would be in a million years to all of the bosses who've tried to run my life at so many other jobs...

I work much more independently at this job than I have at most of my other jobs...with lots of feedback...much of which I appreciate and learn quite a bit from (there is so much to lawnmowing, weedeating, and landscaping that you never imagined, I bet:):)...and which is generally given nicely...even as there is plenty of foolishness and shitty behavior, at times, as well:):)...

I can see why my immediate supervisors have stuck with this job for so long...because it's a nice place to work...and having a big boss who works with you...and is not in some office far away...and who takes spending time with his family and away from the job seriously...and not just as an afterthought for when s/he's not thinking about making more money...is very important and refreshing, I must say:):)...

Most people who work too much never account for the terrible consequences it has for their lives, I'm learning...and I'm just not interested in hearing their excuses for that, any more:):)...and for acting like it doesn't matter to not constantly push my mind and body beyond reasonable limits of exhaustion to try to keep up with some hypercompetitive and unhealthy standard of existence...all because people are too foolish and stubborn to recognize the problems it creates...

But trying to cope with the terrible behavior of an advisor that had never heard of a break or a vacation that seemed worthy to him...who stayed away from home for holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas so he could get more work done...

And who treated everyone around him -- me, in particular -- like shit, so that he would never have to deal with what an asshole he had become, in part because of how far beyond exhaustion he always pushed himself...

That experience taught me a lot about how someone can make a mess of their life and others' lives by pretending that driving themselves and others beyond their limits was somehow healthy or good or worthy...or whatever other stupid rationalizations that people use to ignore just how terribly they treat themselves and others in the name of their fears around their jobs, their livelihoods, and money...

I have no interest nor any plans to do that with my life...and I will keep moving in that direction until I find the a more sustainable life for me, my family, my friends, my co-workers, and everyone I deal with:):)...

And I don't give a fuck what rationalizations others have to for living a life that they hate...and which doesn't serve them or anyone else very well, in the meantime...

And I seriously appreciate that this job is more concerned with the life that a job allows one to live...rather than living the fantasy that any job, no matter how important, means something more than that life...

Much of the reason why I am so frustrated with the reaction to Hurricane Katrina...even as I, of course, want the most constructive, effective response possible...in any situation like that...is that people just fail to account for this fact of life, very well...

That giving space for people to develop better, more constructive approaches to a whole range of issues...is far more effective and does far less damage than trying to force peoples' hands, as a general rule....

But the truth is that many people who were reacting to the situations in Florida...were reacting...without thinking too much at all...about the needs of those who were responsible...to most effectively respond to the situation...

Which hurts those responses...it did not and does not help them...

I do understand, after dealing with a similarly serious and scary situation in my own life...when I was first involuntarily unemployed (I was fired from my first job out of school:):):)...that's a pretty funny story:):):)...I understand why people react as strongly as they do...but Kanye West was not dealing with a crisis...not in his life...nor were many of the folks pushing too hard...and not giving enough space for the folks at FEMA, in New Orleans and other cities, and by the State of Louisiana and other states, to do their jobs...he was dealing with an ideological difference with President Bush about how to handle all sorts of issues...the crisis in New Orleans only being one of them...none of which he understood or understands very well it is pretty clear from his comments...

But that and all of Kanye's phony charges of racism...or arguing that the President and the Administration didn't care about what was happening in New Orleans...or Florida...or Mississippi...

Would require folks like Kanye to do what -- contrary to the Time Magazine article laughably calling him the smartest man in pop music would lead you to believe -- he is not very good at doing...

To think about it...and to understand, better, what was going on for people who were responding...and how to help...

And if you aren't or can't think about these things better...at least, in the moment...

Then the least you can do is what my current job does...

Which is give people the space to do their jobs better...over time...and with as much encouragement...and as little shittiness...as possible...

That was why my high school forensics coach, Conrad Jestmore, was such a great coach:):)...

Conrad was a smart man:):)...he was not a scholar, in the way that my professors are...but he was a very smart man...he was one of the first teachers I had to challenge my early romanticism of Communism, my junior year of high school, when I had just finished a rough reading of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engel's Communist Manifesto in Klaus Kolmei's A.P. History class...

Conrad was (and is, as far as I know) a big libertarian...and a strong proponent of the work and objectivist philosophy of Ayn Rand (The Fountainhead and Ayn Rand's work, generally, was the basis for my junior year term paper, that year, in Elizabeth Taggart's Honor's English class)...

And though I am not a libertarian in the cast of Ayn Rand, really...her influence, like Marx's, has had a important influence on me...

But more important than the ideas that Conrad shared with me that had influence on me...

Was his example...

When I competed for Mr. Jestmore...which is how I first met him...as my forensics coach...my sophomore year of high school...

Mr. Jestmore's biggest strength as a teacher and as a coach...was not in what he knew...though he knew quite a bit, really...about politics...theater...forensics and debate...

But Mr. Jestmore's biggest strength...was that when I needed independence to succeed in forensics...which I had quite a bit of in my career...

He got out of my way...

My sophomore year, my primary event was dramatic interpretation...for whatever reasons...my dramatic interp, a ten-minute cut from Inherit the Wind, by Jerome Lawrence and Robert E. Lee, was more successful than my other major event that year, my duo with my best friend, Mike Coupland, from the play Luv, by Murray Schisgal...perhaps because Inherit the Wind was a better play than Luv:):):)...

I was doing very well with it...and despite Mr. Jestmore's very sound reservations about my doing the piece (one of which was expressed by the Wichita East coach in a comment on one of my ballots...that I was too young to be playing two characters that were so clearly much older and more mature than me)...

Mr. Jestmore gave me room to do my thing...

And I did very well...for many years...in high school and college...

And much of that...and much of my independence, today...

Is due to the humility and decency of one teacher to trust me to find my own way:):)...

And I will never forget that:):):)...

And much of the reason I left grad school...despite a very generous stipend to do work there...

Was because of the opposite problem...

Because I had a teacher who gave me much room to do my own thing...but who, ultimately, did not trust me, enough...when I was just beginning to spread my wings...and do really profound work in my field and in several alligned fields, I believe...

As Joseph Campbell, the greatest cultural historian of the twentieth century, wrote of his own Ph.D. experience...that he left early as well...working for four years, amidst the depression, no less, on chicken farms and other odd jobs...

I outgrew the Ph.D...

Because I didn't have enough room...to do the work...and the learning...and the growing...that I went to grad school to do...

There were all kinds of advantages and disadvantages that came with leaving...

But after much thought about it...and much agonizing over whether I would make the same decision again...and much more importantly to me...whether I would advise a future student to make the same move...

I have to say that I think it was a good move, on balance...though there were many disadvantages that came with it...the rough treatment I received outside school walls being a big one...and the financial sacrafices I made being a really important one, as well...

But the biggest advantage...the independence and the room to do the work and the learning and the growing...that I needed to do...to inform and shape the kind of work that would have a lasting impact on humanity...not just a fleeting one...

Is one that made that decision, on balance, a good one, I believe:):)...

And I can confidently say now...that even if I wanted to trade in a life of fear...for a life of freedom...

I couldn't do it...

It's not in me...

I will always choose to brave the elements...to get to freedom...

Always...

"Give us us free" cries Cinque, in the courtroom sequence in Amistad..."Give us us free"...

Always...always...

I can't live any other way...

Freedom is the oxygen to live...the oxygen for my life...and I can't breathe without it...

And that is what this job offers me, more, than any of the jobs I've had since leaving school:):):)...

"Give us...us free"...

Have a good week, everyone...

Love,
Ben

I think I'm officially burned out on my job:):):):)...
Mood:  down
Now Playing: These Days...Rascal Flats:):):)...
Topic: work/employment
Last night was pretty slow:)...

The crew I was working with didn't really want to do any work very much at all, last night:):)...so it was a slow night:):)...

Marsha and I...and John and I...had a nice talk over lunch:):)...

But mostly I was tired...and my back hurt (I must of picked up something I shouldn't have in the last couple of days:):)...definitely likely, given how much I've been wanting to prove myself with these 16-18 foot, 20p doors:):):)...

And after tracking the anonymous nasty comment earlier on my blog on my little personal ad (which was more of a joke, than anything else:):):)...I've never taken out of personal ad:):)...and I just wanted a chance to express how open my heart is for that kind of love again:):)...

I am having second thoughts about who left it...and the alternative -- which I considered at the time -- is that someone a little closer to me (or at least someone I've thought of as a little closer to me) left that comment...so it hurts just that much more, as a consequence...and definitely leaves me kind of glad, right now, that she and I are not in contact, if it happens to be the case...

I'm learning...the hard way, unfortunately...

That misery loves company...

And hates when it sees someone else having a good time:):):)...

It's not just intelligence and education that is the issue that I've been dealing with (though I've been dealing with that plenty at work...the staging issue for me just kind of epitomizes just how insulting the whole situation has gotten...and just what dumbasses I work for, right now:):):)...

It's also that I'm just so goddamn cheery all the time:):):)...

That I'm so hopeful...and generally happy (though right now I'm feeling the sting of someone else's burnout on life...and think I've been absorbing similar stings for quite some time, now...while people fight to never come to terms with just how miserable they really are:)(:):)...be miserable all you want, is my philosophy:):):)...but please stop being such a shithead to me, if you please:):):):):)...

That I take my happiness and my own mental health...so seriously:):):)...

More seriously than trying -- foolishly, stubbornly -- to avoid just how miserable I might be...as so many of the people I know and love and spend time with do so much of their lives:):):)...

A lot of people are just so upset that I'm just so damn happy...

And FUCK THEM FOR IT:):):)...you miserable fuckers:):):):):):):)...

And stop being such party poopers:):):)...

Go get some therapy:):):)...or go get a job that will treat you better:):):)...or find another relationship:):):)...or whatever:):):)...

But stop taking your shit out on me, pretty please:):):)...

Because I am beyond tired of the bullshit:):):):):)...

But do you know what the big saving grace for humanity is?:):):)...

That no matter what miserable fucks they can be much of the time:):):)...

None of them...noone...wants to be miserable forever:):):)...

So eventually...

They've got to get off of the dumbass efforts to try to bring others down...

And eventually they have to start focussing on how to lift themselves and others around them up:):):)...as my friend, Rachel Asbury, would say in her really beautiful poem, Mountain:):):)...

Because no matter how shitty anyone tries to make me feel:):):)...

I'll work through my funk fairly quickly:):):)...that's what this blog is for, for goodness sakes:):):)...

And then just like every other time that I've annoyed the fuck out of you:):):)...

I'll be all happy and smiley and feeling good again:):):):):):)...

And you'll still be miserable:):):)...

Until you do something more substantial about that than to take your bullshit out on me:):):):):):):)...

Maybe some Yanni:):):)...

Or maybe just some therapy might help:):):)...or maybe a blog:):):)...or talking with a friend:):):)...or just some place where you can vent all that bad shit you feel about the world:):):)...

But enough of that bullshit on my blog, if you please:):):)...it's like going to a therapy session only to have your therapist insult you the entire time:):):)...that's not why you go:):):)...so you hardly want that precious time absorbed with someone else's bullshit:):):)...

And this blog works the same way for me:):):)...

Deal with the burnout in a more constructive way, please...for your sake and for my sake:):):)...

Because venting on this blog is how I deal more constructively with my feelings:):):)...and it doesn't quite work as well if I get abused on it so someone doesn't have to face what a shithead they're being:):):)...

Because the problem with a world where none of us will face just how miserable we feel...and just how miserable we make others feel as a consequence:):):)...

Is that the shit just keeps getting shoveled around from person to person...and it never just gets released:):):)...and done with:):):)...

As a healthy venting will offer us:):):)...

And all that burnout and unhappiness that so many people feel is the consequence of not dealing with that shit more constructively:):):)...

And the consequences for the world, generally, as we've watched for the last 5 years of adversarial government and media and activism...

Is a pretty goddamn shitty one:):):)...

That we are all responsible for:):):)...

Until we take responsibility for it:):):)...

And cut it the fuck out:):):)...

I swear to god that people are such children, sometimes...noone is responsible...someone else is always to blame...and the only thing that matters is being right...not getting important work done:):):)...

As an Israeli diplomat I once saw interviewed in a documentary about Israel once said:):):)...Governments will do all the wrong things...before they do the right thing:):):):)...

And the same can be said of people, generally:):):)...

That we will engage in all the worse options:):)...before we engage in the better ones:):)...

I'm going to watch some Six Feet Under and try to cheer up, some:):) (my smileys don't completely reflect how bummed I'm feeling, right now:):):)...but I don't like to bring others down, if possible, with my bullshit if I can avoid it:):):)...

And then sleep:):):)...because I'm really exhausted:):):)...

I hope everyone's doing well:):):)...

Even the nasty commenter:):):)...whomever she -- likely -- may be:):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

What is so hard about just saying, "I'm sorry"...
Mood:  down
Now Playing: These Days...Rascal Flats...
Topic: work/employment
It's a really strange situation I'm in, at work...

I need a new job REALLY BAD...

I am surrounded by a bunch of young, irresponsible, bullying dumbasses much of the time...

It's not just that they don't think nearly enough...

Much more of the time...it's that they don't ever seem to be able to take responsibility for anything...

I've got two leads I'm working with, right now, who have been OBNOXIOUS...and neither of them can be responsible for it...

And I've now been effectively muzzled to say anything about it...any conflict, at this point, is being blamed on me...so I just don't have them anymore...biding my time for a new job...

And...in the meantime...the last thing I had conflict with someone about -- what an asshole one of our leads was -- stays in place...whether folks want to face that or not...and now there's no effective challenge for them to get better...just more and I'm sure worse of the same...

It's kind of pathetic, really...

It's amazing the difference between an environment where people strive for excellence -- where this is far from the norm, obviously, for anyone who's ever been a part of those organizations --- and an environment where everyone is just trying to hold onto a job...I've resisted that impulse up till now...but noone is sharing the burden of the risks it takes to change these things...

So I resign myself to a pretty fucked-up, dysfunctional situation that I'm just trying to escape, now...and not trying to change, anymore...

And all my co-workers get to live with the consequences of that after I'm gone...

Congratulations to everyone who helped make that happen:):):)...

Dumbasses:):):)...

Denial is an awfully powerful coping mechanism isn't it?...

Just a dysfunctional one, long term...

I've got to try to get some sleep before the brilliance that is garage doors, tonight:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben